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Miles Ryan-Cummings shares his experiences of coming out.
To my delight, every single one of them was extremely happy for me and did not change their behaviour towards me.聽 This was my first experience of true liberation; I was able to be myself around people I love, and my sexuality was no longer taboo.聽 Now it was time to tell my parents.
I鈥檓 not even sure why this took me so long to do, to be honest, I was more certain that they would react well than I was my friends聽鈥� they had聽told me stories about their聽gay friends.聽Perhaps聽I thought that I would suffer a bigger loss if I was wrong.聽 Who knows?聽As a result, the next 鈥榩hase鈥� of coming out didn鈥檛 happen until I was 19, travelling around Southeast Asia and lacking inhibition.聽 After聽several months of making friends with people who had only ever known me to be gay, I was becoming increasingly comfortable with myself.
One evening, during my daily Facetime with my聽mum, she was telling me about a TV programme she was聽watching that featured a gay couple.聽 I decided to strike while the iron was hot and casually slip it into the conversation.聽 Unsurprisingly, there was no big reaction from her, not in a way that diminished what I said, but in a way where she made it clear that it made no difference to her.聽 I can鈥檛 really remember the ins and outs of our conversation, but we talked about it for a while and after our call ended, I was an emotional wreck.聽 I don鈥檛 think I have ever experienced such an overwhelming mixture of relief and happiness in my life.
Such an organic moment did not聽quickly聽arise聽with my聽dad.聽My dad is the son of two Jamaican聽parents and聽being aware of the connotations of homosexuality in Jamaican culture, and indeed by members of my family, coming out聽to him聽was more聽daunting聽for me, despite him having never shown a hint of homophobia.聽Also aware of the dark colonial history that these connotations are embedded within, I聽am聽sympathetic towards聽these attitudes.
After returning to the UK and聽leaving for University, I got into a relationship where I would often go and stay with my boyfriend, whose home was at the opposite end of the country.聽On a Father鈥檚 Day walk, my dad was asking about my plans, and I thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to let him know that I was going to stay with my聽boyfriend.聽As with my mum, I casually slipped it into the conversation and my dad reacted in a very similar way.聽 We talked about it for the remainder of our walk and again I became an emotional wreck, as did my dad.
I sometimes feel guilty聽about my聽coming out story, however, I think it is important in highlighting racial inequalities that surround the process of 鈥榗oming out鈥�, often sold as a聽dramatic and聽necessary聽event聽in the rite of passage into queerness.聽 I think that this take on coming out is unfair and my advice for anybody grappling with a similar scenario would be to take your time聽- the most important person to come out to is yourself, something that I am continuing to do.
Years of externally driven internalised homophobia takes聽a lot of聽work to unlearn, and whilst I believe that coming out to others聽is聽useful in achieving this, it does not necessarily have to be the聽one-off dramatic event often portrayed in pop culture.聽Come out to whoever聽you want聽to when you want聽to.